It has been ages since I posted anything.
I apologize for that, but lately I’ve felt a big pull to make changes and I’m still trying to discover exactly what that means.
I am trying to find the “Hell yes,” in my life and I seem to be making very slow progress.
Maybe I need to rephrase that. I know what my hell yeses are, but I let the “maybes” and the “I don’t really want to do but I feel obligated” to run them over.
My hell yeses are simple:
Creating with nature, exploring nature, and being in my garden
And taking a trip to Sweden.
And I have now added another trip, to Japan, to see my nephew and his new wife and baby.
Nothing I have done this year so far (with the exception of getting my passport, creating a new nature scavenger hunt, and starting to learn Swedish), has really supported those things. Pretty much every other thing I have done has been out of obligation, habit, has been a repair, or because it was a maybe in my mind. Nothing fell into the category of hell yes.
Why on earth did I do that? I was so sure last year that I knew what steps to take, and I was so committed to doing them.
Maybe it’s because old habits are really just extremely hard to break. It’s much easier to follow that old worn out path you’ve always taken; even when you know that where it goes is not very interesting and doesn’t inspire you. It’s simpler to take that path. You don’t have to think about it.
So often, we make compromises with good intention. We take on projects we don’t want to do because it’s for a good cause. Or perhaps we say “yes” to something, not out of a burning desire, but more out of habit.
Last year, I had decided that it was time to say no to extra projects. Wouldn’t you just know, though, from the middle of January 2022 until the of last month, I was slammed with things I had to do, or things I always had done in the past, or things that were for a good cause.
I said yes to all of them, without really considering the cost.
And yes, I did all of them.
And now I am exhausted.
I would have done things differently.
I’m full of regrets.
I’m disappointed in myself for not speaking up.
I would have said let me think about it. Then I would have given myself time to listen, really listen to my heart.
It takes ages for me to learn something. I feel like I need to a breaking point before I actually do what I know I need to do.
But as they say, life is a journey not a destination. I just keep taking the really bumpy road.
All is not lost.
I’ll try again.